drag me to hell

I dun know why I am writing here, it feels like waste of time. Pretty much how my life is anyway… a big waste of time. But I dun have anyone to talk to…I usually keep things inside because I believe people dun really care about much anyway other than to feel superior when someone else has problems. I never trusted people much anyway, lets face it people have instincts as much as animals, they will cut your throat to save there hide in most cases.
All my life I have never been ‘real’ happy or able to cope well adversity…after years and years fighting with life I am still single, empty and alone…mmmm…I have always been considered attractive by the opposite sex (or even the same sex..har har)..always got the 2^nd, 3^rd, 4^th glances…but…unfortunately relationship would never work out for me…I have spent all of my teenage and adult life just searching…seeking..hunting ….for way to improve myself…
As I think back…I now realize my brain never functioned correctly…in school I remember being confused and dreadful at remembering…concentrating and focusing tho always fairly intelligent…
My self esteem began to drop even before I knew what the word meant.. my childhood was not blissful as others…too sad to think of…which added salt to my wounds… all along I pretended to be normal and fit in even though I knew something was not quite right… At the time I thought the wrongness was outside and my surroundings, some probably were, but I was mostly wrong on the inside. Thinking back I was what could have been a hotrod but I was always a V-8 running 2 cylinders, mentally tired confused and depressed…I now assume I had/have depression ..mental disorder or maybe schizophrenia…all things around me just made me tired, irritable..hopeless and eventual thots of suicide…thank God, He still make me think twice each time the s.u.i.c.i.d.e word dancing in my mind…
mmm…financially & job wise I am ok..Relationship wise my life has been hell…especially now..i am really in a deep shit…I am numb inside out…after all I still couldn’t figure out why I am still here…
This entire thing has made me tired, very tired. My life is really quite hopeless now, I expect little or nothing from it now, I have nothing to offer it now and it has little to offer me. I feel I have been ripped off in this life. All my life has been a struggle, it feels like God has always had his foot on my throat to assure me I won’t be getting up and moving on in this life… If there were any cliffs around I sometimes feel I could muster the courage to just open her up feeling the rush of speed and riding it off the cliff, other times I wish I could get smacked by a car and just be killed instantly. At other times I feel I may be forced to just put a bullet in my head….but, I am a survivor (well..that what I want to believe..)…and I know God wont let me die easily… He want me to learn…Learn to decide….