drag me to hell
June 26, 2009
I dun know why I am writing here, it feels like waste of time. Pretty much how my life is anyway… a big waste of time. But I dun have anyone to talk to…I usually keep things inside because I believe people dun really care about much anyway other than to feel superior when someone else has problems. I never trusted people much anyway, lets face it people have instincts as much as animals, they will cut your throat to save there hide in most cases.
All my life I have never been ‘real’ happy or able to cope well adversity…after years and years fighting with life I am still single, empty and alone…mmmm…I have always been considered attractive by the opposite sex (or even the same sex..har har)..always got the 2nd, 3rd, 4th glances…but…unfortunately relationship would never work out for me…I have spent all of my teenage and adult life just searching…seeking..hunting ….for way to improve myself…
As I think back…I now realize my brain never functioned correctly…in school I remember being confused and dreadful at remembering…concentrating and focusing tho always fairly intelligent…
My self esteem began to drop even before I knew what the word meant.. my childhood was not blissful as others…too sad to think of…which added salt to my wounds… all along I pretended to be normal and fit in even though I knew something was not quite right… At the time I thought the wrongness was outside and my surroundings, some probably were, but I was mostly wrong on the inside. Thinking back I was what could have been a hotrod but I was always a V-8 running 2 cylinders, mentally tired confused and depressed…I now assume I had/have depression ..mental disorder or maybe schizophrenia…all things around me just made me tired, irritable..hopeless and eventual thots of suicide…thank God, He still make me think twice each time the s.u.i.c.i.d.e word dancing in my mind…
mmm…financially & job wise I am ok..Relationship wise my life has been hell…especially now..i am really in a deep shit…I am numb inside out…after all I still couldn’t figure out why I am still here…
This entire thing has made me tired, very tired. My life is really quite hopeless now, I expect little or nothing from it now, I have nothing to offer it now and it has little to offer me. I feel I have been ripped off in this life. All my life has been a struggle, it feels like God has always had his foot on my throat to assure me I won’t be getting up and moving on in this life… If there were any cliffs around I sometimes feel I could muster the courage to just open her up feeling the rush of speed and riding it off the cliff, other times I wish I could get smacked by a car and just be killed instantly. At other times I feel I may be forced to just put a bullet in my head….but, I am a survivor (well..that what I want to believe..)…and I know God wont let me die easily… He want me to learn…Learn to decide….
a violent affair
June 6, 2009
He taunts her
He haunts her
Causing her so much pain
Love is a gift
Not a weapon …
She can’t see that
She clings in hope…
Love is blind they say
But I didn’t realize
What they meant
Until today….
Anguish, anxiety and anger
Is all they can create between them ..
As she wipe away the tears
She can still feel the pain
What is this need to punish her
Over and over again?
He promised to protect her
But she can only wonder why
The same hand that embraces her
Is the same that makes her cry. …
tranquilizer needed
June 3, 2009
” Well,
How do I interprate this? I have a few plans la in my head..Buy the I-phone..some gifts for u to bring to ******..Join u in ****** in july….spend the rest of our pityful life together..
Looks like my tought all this while is true all along
Well…Takpela, as far as I understand….im giving u more pain than our love could ever heal..Instead of hapiness im giving u only misery….that is not what I want the person whom I love most to live her life..This is who I am….full of baggage…I cant change that
If you think we should end this, then ill wait for u at **** this evening
And I shall leave…I will only leave after I meet u and say it to you face to face….
We are no little kids that just walk away like that
…I want to spend the rest of my life with you….that is y u saw all sides of me that nobody else see….Who I am inside out….How I let myself be affected by u with the smallest things….coz the love is too much
Ntah…wish we could continue…but only if it brings good especially to you
If its too complicated..just say it and im gone
Dahla enuf said…ill just wait how it goes this evening
Btw…I m now single but with a beautiful son….just so that u know
Love u always, ***** “
my help-line indicator is beeping…i dun need any explanation..nor i need any words from him…i dun mind anything he have to deal with…i feel numb inside out..Friday tested my patient … i dun know him anymore… i dun know what he needs from me…i turned down my welcome party last Friday…that was the 2nd arrangement…i turned down the 1st one last month..they were so frustrated with me…but well…i dun believe it either…thot he might understand that i m with gigantic international company now…mmm…dun think this is the point why m ignoring him…
lalalala…lemme think why …mmmm….
he never trust me..ever…and that s killing me…thot that was the main reason of the wrecking marriage…and why he s doing this to me? what is the point of telling me how much he loves and care for me, when he have to be aggrasive each time he is cross? what is all the smacking, squeezing, crunching, gripping,throwing things are all about? is this the same person i know 2 yrs back?
yes..it is hurt sometimes…but, each time it s happening… i will drift away in my own world thinking of how sick the relationship turn out to be…and how my existance have been affecting his behaviour…he s a good guy really…but, now i dun think i know him anymore….we talked about this before…but nothing have change…i feel fear, disgust, puzzle…would he change?change for his wife..and most important change for his son…i know he will never do this to his wife…mmm…but,why me then? should i believe him when he promise not to do it again?dozen and dozen of question dancing in my mind..
anyway, i ll be leaving somewhere near north pole in 2 wks time…hope my brain will be frozen…and leaving all these bad incidents behind and wish that my body starting to rejuvenate me inside out…i pray and hope the very best for all of us…can’t think of this for another beat..God, please help me one more time….
