i need aspirin
May 19, 2009
“Now that it’s all said and done,..I can’t believe you were the one…To build me up and tear me down,..Like an old abandoned house…What you said when you left…Just left me cold and out of breath….I fell too far, was in way too deep…Guess I let you get the best of me…” arrrghhh…i heard my phone, but i guess my sleep is much more important…”
I grabbed my phone and put it in silent mode…It was him…”sorry sayang, I don’t think I want to talk,” I whisper to myself…I know he will hate it if I don’t answer.. But..what to do? (heheee..my boss fav line)..welllll, i think it is safer for my soul if I don’t pick up the phone….
Ok…tell me what to do if your bf is actually a married guy with a kid?? Anybody out there??helllloooo???well…I dun know what to do…one day i wake up and feel I am the luckiest girl on earth to be loved by Captain Jack Sparrow..i was in cloud nine until I was smacked down flat by the fact..the whole ship is sinking…and I am drowning…I dun blame Captain Jack Sparrow if he doesn’t save me…I know where I am standing…I would prefer to be drowned and eaten by a Great White Shark rather than being save by a mystify pirate….my heart stop beating…my bones were crumpled.. my flesh was shredded…I start to question God why I was tested this way? All thru these years, I am trying to find someone who can make my day bright and sunny , my nite twinkling and starry … and I end up with this??
Knowing I am the kekasih gelap is not simple as I thot..it is painful…knowing you are the second priority is even sad…knowing his wife is picking up on you and swearing u and ur whole generation is even more heart throbbing…but, again… I know where I am standing….and who care about the 3rd party anyway….right?? the 3rd party is always the one left to be blame…who be bothered with things which ‘might’ already happen in the marriage at the first place? People will still charge the 3rd party as the ‘reason’ eventho people been talking about the trophy wife for 3 thousand century before….and being involve in this make me a philosopher..a thinker…a dreamer..i come out with lots of plans…for me…and for the couple…I am always ready to give up my ‘love’ for the sake of the kid…after all, who am I to ruin the beautifool marriage? It is still acceptable if you are flirting around with 7000 single guy….sleeping around..taking drugs…being drunk..watch prono..bully…stealing…being pervert…bank robbery..neglect ur God…but NEVER ever being in love with a married man..…that is the World’s rule of thumb….the damages will be so massive that nobody will ever want to get involve in this…
I never thot I will be in this ‘attention-grabbing’ situation … but, what had happen is out of my control…nobody enjoy being in this kind of situation..nobody want to be blame of ruining somebody else marriage…nobody like losing…and nobody love being call a bitch, whore or mistress….it worse when u have nobody to talk to…i have the whole world against me…including my friends…well, I can understand why…5 of my friends got divorced because of the 3rd person….i dun blame anybody….and I dun blame myself like I used to..on the positive side…there must lie a reason why …. Regardless, the bitterness happiness or sadness in the end…He must have some good plan of letting this thing happen…
Don’t accuse me of not doing anything to stop this crap…yes, I had discuss with the guy of giving his marriage a second chance….and forget about me…yes, I met his wife and discussing the same thing…we were all agreed that what had happen was just a test of how we can deal with life…but, after nearly 2 yrs…we are still in the same loop…I know and I am aware of her feeling…I m not dumb…I still remember how my mom gone thru the same thing…but, she settled it in a very calm and cool way…she never accused anyone…she never swear anyone…she never blame anyone…she was so firmed of the decision she made…and I wonder why…I am still in the loop…?? I try and try to get away…I changed my car…I quit my job…I changed number…and i will do anything to get them back together…but, they have to cooperate…nothing will change if I didn’t get any cooperation from them…leave me alone…coz I am willing to let go…although, this is the greatest love I ever have…but, I for the sake of world peace and the kid..i am letting it go…
Mom said….she would rather having me rotten dead without a husband than having to accept me marrying somebody else husband…I did question her, how if it s a fate and my destiny? She said…no such thing as that and she want me to stop..because she believe I doing it for revenge ..revenge ??mmmm…I dun know about that…dad said nothing….i guess I know why…mom is losing weight…she is not happy..she s been thinking too much about me…she afraid if somebody will hurt me in anyway…but, I never tell her anything bad…I tell her everything s fine and under control…its hurt to see her tears…I am sorry mom…
When to think about this forbidden love … if I know things will turn out sour..i will stop it from the beginning..but, nobody know what is waiting in the future…I dun even know I will end up falling in love with Captain Jack Sparrow who turn out to be somebody else husband…but, trust me..it s no fun…u are having a forbidden relationship and u have to cover it alllll the way…u r not having a real boyfriend girlfriend relationship where u can express your love anywhere u like…or go and explore the world together peacefully ..or holding hand in public…shopping??watch movie?? Don’t think about it…but, the love that I believe in is the only element that bonding me….and keeping me in one piece still…but again, I am willing with all my heart to let it go…I know I dun deserve this….i need support and cooperation from them both…maybe I should run away so, nobody could find me and stop blaming me…and go on with life? It is way too complicated for me now…..
Yes….i need aspirin…Khaliff, mama needs you….
